Title: Walk This Way
Rating: PG - Gen - humor
Spoilers: General (for all aired episodes)
Disclaimers: SPN & characters are owned by their various creators.
Summary: They were working on a hunt in Tillamook country and Dean insisted on seeing the cheese factory.
They were working on a hunt in Tillamook country and Dean insisted on seeing the cheese factory.
Sam had been all for honoring the request by viewing it at high speed from the freeway, however his brother wasn’t about to let any technicalities get in his way. Because for some reason he wanted the all out guided tour of the factory that started promptly at 1:15 (with no exceptions for late comers), a power point presentation/luncheon for the fiscal year (for potential stockholders), ending with an evening of a string quartet and wine tasting. (accompanied of course by a couple tons of cubed cheese on fancy toothpicks.)
“It’s nice in here, huh?” Dean said. “Lots of vats and pipes.”
“Yeah,” Sam studied the pamphlet that came with the twenty dollar entrance fee. “It’s great.”
“I kinda want some cheese,” Dean inhaled the fresh curdled air. “How can you be in this place and not get serious about wanting some cheese-”
“Hello and welcome to our facility!”
The smiling young man in the fake hardhat was holding his arms out like he was receiving them into his home. Checking his watch, Sam found it slightly annoying that the rigidly scheduled tour was about to start an entire four minutes late.
“My name is Dave and I’ll be your tour guide today!”
“Good to meet ya, Dave!”
Trying to ignore his brother’s enthusiasm, Sam just gave a small wave.
“Without any further ado….“ the guide named Dave gave a wink. “Let the journey begin!”
Startled by a sudden swell of glorious music, Sam stepped backwards when the lights dimmed and spot lights snapped onto a pair of yellow double doors. Dean backed up a little too when the doors slowly began to swing open like they were about to enter Willy Wonka’s secret candy fantasy land.
“Today you will discover the wonderful and whimsical world of cheese creation!”
But instead of an enchanted grove, the other side just had more pipes. The fake equipment actually wasn’t too far removed from a lame movie set, but bright paint and jaunty music could only take the reality of milk fermentation so far. The dude with the hardhat and the smile cleared his throat to continue.
“I would also like to take this moment to explain some rules and regulations for all guests on the property… Oh, and did everyone sign a waver form after you were processed through security?”
Dean quickly held up the stamped papers.
“Fantastic! Now I would also like to ask the group to stay as close together as possible and not stray into any restricted areas...”
“You sure they’re only making cheddar in here?” Sam asked quietly. “Not weapons-grade plutonium?”
“New cheese whiz on the market,” Dean explained. “Guess you can never be too careful about corporate espionage, right?”
The tour guide suddenly halted his ongoing speech and aimed his razor sharp blue eyes into the crowd. (Which consisted of only two people.) “Excuse me, Sam? Did you have a question?”
Sam glanced down at his sticker name tag that read: DEAN. His brother was wearing the one that read: SAM because his brother was just the kind of guy that found things like that hilarious.
“Uh yeah, I got a question,” Dean said. “When are we gonna get to the end part?”
Dave's friendly expression wavered for a moment.
“If you gentlemen would just follow me this way,” he held out an arm in invitation. “We can start our adventure with the founder of our great company, a humble immigrant who dreamt of a new world across the sea where he could pursue the dairy food arts without fearing tyranny and persecution.”
Turning a corner, an elaborate display wall of sepia toned photographs was revealed. Sam studied the long faces of long dead cows, turn of the century machinery and the company mission statement scrolled above it all in a neat script: Through hardship and dedication, we commit ourselves to cheese.
Wandering the aisle of dairy memorabilia, Sam replaced the word cheese with: Obliterating Evil and hardship with: Endless Bullshit. It wasn’t all that different from the Winchester’s mission statement if they actually had one.
“Excuse me, Dean?”
It took Sam a second to realize that Dave was addressing him.
“Uh, sorry, I don’t have any questions so far.”
“No,” the young man was looking around in semi-panic. “Where’d Sam go?”
Sam joined the flustered guide’s search of the place and couldn’t spot his brother either. But he did remember Dean’s one and only question about the tour that he had been so excited to take.
“Hey Dave, do you mind me asking what’s at the end of the tour?”
“A thirty minute cocktail party with complimentary wine tasting.”
Dean was a lot of things, but late for some wine tasting wasn’t one of them.
“Oh, and a photo-op with Miss. Wisconsin 1998!” the guide added. “Wisconsin! State Domesticated Animal: Dairy Cow. Reflecting the importance of the dairy industry, the docile dairy cow became the domesticated animal in which we are indebted-”
“Wait,” Sam stopped him. “1998?”
The mega-watt smile dimmed. “S-She’s the only one we could afford to book- uh… ” he lowered his voice and let out a sigh. “Rumor has it that she’s currently in some legal trouble over her title regarding some… questionable adult magazine modeling.”
“Look, I really can’t continue the tour with an unauthorized civilian roaming the premises.”
“I hope you’ll also understand that I’ll have to escort you to the entrance.”
“Whatever you need to do, Dave.”
“If you’d like a refund please feel free to contact our main office by mail with a self addressed stamped envelope.”
As Sam was briskly hustled back to the lobby, he thought about the forty bucks it had cost to get into the most renowned cheese factory in the whole country. And if one were to believe the signs that were plastered all over the walls, maybe the entire the world too. He stumbled out the front doors as the guide aided Sam’s departure with a helpful shove.
With the usual expense of a running beer tab Sam had to admit that it came out to be a reasonably cheap date.
“Thanks again for visiting, Dean!” Dave said earnestly through the glass. “Come back real soon!”
Ripping the name tag off his jacket, Sam clenched his jaw and decided that there would be no tours in his near or even distant future. In fact, he was never going to hand over a wad of cash to do anything as stupidly lame as this ever again. Sam yanked out his ringing cell phone and read the predictable (and extremely triumphant) text message from his brother.
He was never doing this again.
At least until another beauty queen was dethroned by making porn.