Mink (minkmix) wrote,

SPN Fic: Kvetch

For Adam...

Title: Kvetch
Author: Mink
Rating: PG - Gen - Humor
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: SPN & characters are owned by their various creators.
Summary: Dean accomplishes everything in his own style. Including bitching.

It was odd sometimes just what exactly bothered some people.

Sam could go days being mildly irritated to severely annoyed by a ton of useless to ultimately harmless details that life spread out on a daily basis. Just that morning he spent over an hour replaying what he would have said to the lady that let the diner door slam in his face when she had obviously known he was right behind her. The day before he had let himself simmer quietly because he couldn't quite believe the windows theme on the laptop had been changed to a blinding candy pink color scheme that Dean had found amusing.

It was what happened to everyone on every day of their lives. A series of minor joys, little sighs and an on going internal discussion of just how much you should let something get to you. But for some reason all those things that the usual human being found personally affronting never phased his older brother. People bugged him sure, but the big things never really did. The 'drop your new tooth brush in the toilet' and the 'lock your keys in the car' moments didn't chafe him very much.

Dean was teflon. He just let things slide.

Except about certain things.

"I'm just sayin'..." Dean repeated as he cruised the crowded parking lot for a free spot.

Sam waited for the rest although he pretty much had heard this all before.

"If the pandas don't wanna get off then why all the trouble?"

"They're endangered." Sam murmured absently as he played the 'who was walking back to which car' game. They'd been circling this freaking parking lot for almost twenty minutes and he wanted out already.

"Any dumb animal that doesn't know how to get busy deserves to croak off if you ask me." His brother muttered. "I mean come on, it's pretty much one of the few perks of being an able mammal."

"Over there." Sam pointed towards a car that was just about to back out of its space.

"I mean, isn't that what nature does? If the dudes can't figure out how get themselves laid doesn't that kinda prove they can't cut it?"

"Why don't you write a letter of protest to the Chinese government about the Biodiversity Action Plan?"

"Now that is a good idea." Dean pointed at him with a nod as he cut off the SUV vying for the same free spot. "I can also put in some stuff on there about those damn fortune cookies that never have a real fortune in them. You find love and peace in those around you? First of all, that's a lie, second of all--"

Before his brother could finish, Sam got out of the car with a big stretch and yawn. Dean had a strange list of things that irked him. Like forcing frigid bears to breed and cookies that lied to you. If you really wanted to get him started just bring up anything about pennies. He could go into an impressively long rant about how they cost more to make than they were even actually worth. But his largest and most touchy peeve involved the common mass perceptions of the world at large.

Swans for instance.

Dean thought that the world's geese really got the Christmas dinner shaft just for not being fancy enough. Having been attacked by a pissed off swan when Sam was about as tall as its sharp beak, he actually wouldn't mind too much if they ended up under a few carving knives. Dean had a similar sentiment about the beloved deer of game hunters. Horses armed with horns as far as he was concerned.

"And what's with the fact that these killer mauling bears are considered cute just cuz they're two-tone?"

Sam honestly had no answer for him.

"Killer whales are black and white too but you don't see anyone trying to hug one of those."

Uh oh. They were skirting near the ocean animal territory. Sam knew this would lead to only one thing. A subject Dean felt more passionately about maybe than any other.

"And did you know that dolphins rape people?"


"They do!"

His brother launched into his Dolphin Tirade every time he spotted some girl with a cartoon colored mystical oceanic tattoo at the base of her spine. Inspiring airbrushed glittering aquatic scenes on the sides of vans made him want to punch something. He warned Sam many times about how they weren't the sea's seers that magically aided the drowning but wild animals with nothing but deviant and evil thoughts on their over developed minds.

"I read this one story where this trainer down at Sea World?" Dean doubled his pace to keep up with Sam. "This trainer was you know, doing all that trainer stuff but it was all after hours?"

Sam had heard this story before unfortunately. The wide almost fearful look that accompanied the retelling made him wonder not for the first time where his brother's strange distrust for marine life actually came from.

"So it's really late right? And the trainer dude decides to get into the fish tank to I dunno, teach some new trick or something..."

"Do you think the guy started a support group after?" Sam interrupted.

He enjoyed the several seconds of consideration on his older brother's face before Dean quickly realized that he was being mocked.

"Whatever." Dean dropped back a little bit, his story unfinished and hands shoved into his jacket pockets.

"I heard Bono is trying to put together a concert benefit for it." Sam added back over his shoulder with a grin.

"If you ever get attacked by a dolphin, you are so on yer own dude." Dean grumbled.

In the uncertain eventuality of that happening, Sam sincerely hoped not.

And hooray, I updated the_dean_show!!! ♥ @ urdsama
Tags: gen, sam pov, spn humor, spn one shot
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